That Awkward Silence

Robin Williams was the kind of actor who could bring out intense emotions through a performance. He could make me blush or hurt from laughing, from the other side of any screen. Seeing the news of his death and the reaction from so many people on social media, I really feel heartbroken.

It isn't a new heartbreak for me, unfortunately, because I've lost friends to suicide already, and I've seen others near me also affected by it. It leaves this uncomfortable silence behind, this awkward space where a person should be, and the feeling that by severing this one connection between you, the deceased person has shaken all your other connections to human beings outside yourself. At the funeral of a suicide, I can feel my own vitality trying to shrink down inside of me and hide from the people carrying on with their social norms and saying all the things they're supposed to say in situations like these.

I'm sorry.

Everyone says it, over and over, until I feel as if saying it myself is disingenuous because it's just a repetition of a phrase that we've all adopted even though it doesn't come anywhere near describing the feeling of hurt and bewilderment and sadness inside. Struggling to come up with anything better is futile, however, because those closest to the person who's gone can only look to themselves and each other for the answers. How can I even speak to them about my feelings, when they are surely struggling with something much worse than my helplessness at what to say to them?

I'm sorry.

Each memory of them is tainted somehow by the knowledge of what has come to pass despite whatever connection we felt in that moment, and the "what if" scenarios play out over and over. What if I had called that last time I thought about them? What if they just needed a good long talk or a hug? What if I had done that and it still hadn't made a difference?

I am sorry.

He will be missed, but the number of lives he touched and the tears and laughter he brought to all of us will live on as a testament to his life. This tragedy should at least be a stark reminder of his struggle, and a catalyst for more open discussion about suicide and mental health. Depression lies, and there's no greater evidence of that than the outcry of so many who were touched by his contributions to the world. Whatever he was feeling at the time, it wasn't the love that so many of us would gladly have shared with him if it could ease his pain.

No one should have to suffer alone when there are resources available to get help. Please, reach out if you ever feel like suicide is an option.



R.I.P. Robin Williams
1951 - 2014